Writings to my 4 girls

I had started hand writing each of you a “journal” things I wanted you to know about me - life. Well, I will just be honest and tell you that I do not have the self discipline to sit down and write to each of you as often as I like, so now each of your journals will have the password - etc for this “blog”. 

Yesterday was the start of a new year. Everyone starts a new year will all types of expectations, plans, goals.

My prayer for you as you start 2023 is that you always hear the voice of God over the voices of the world. May you stay true to your Christian upbringing and faith. 

May you start each new year determined to live more like Him. 

I love each one of you dearly. Yaya

4th of July 2021

 What a weekend!! 

Friday night Nathan and his family arrived. Saturday morning up early to go let Chandler Greenwood take our pictures. We all looked lovely! Peyton was not co-operative. I was proud of Nathan for holding it all together, his self-control was great. Presley cried. And, so they will be “real” life photos! 

Then we celebrated the 4th at Maureen’s pool. The group consisted of: Maureen, Holly, and Conner. The Browns - Lauren and Austin, Blake and Vaughn. And all of the Buck-wells! We had hot dogs and hamburgers - chips and dip. 

Lauren Buckalew planned pool games and the competition was fierce. Perhaps the inter-tube race between Olivia and Bentleigh was one of the most spirited! And, Keven made a surprise dive into the pool! He still has it! 

Sunday morning Olivia and her 2 girls came over to have breakfast - we let Uncle Nat rest since he had spent the past week in Omaha watching his MSU Bulldogs with the CWS. And, he was tired! I made homemade cinnamon rolls - I think they were quite tasty! 

We got Nathan and his family back to Tuscaloosa by 1130. 

Now, what I remember about the 4th of July growing up. My daddy loved American. He did not get to serve in WWII because he only had one kneecap (Story goes he tried to ride a motorcycle up a telephone pole & the telephone pole won). But he loved this country. I have vague memories of celebrating with family. 

When Keven and I were living on Lakeside Drive, the 4th was a big deal. The were 4 families that celebrated together. The Loughrige, The Lendermans, The Beeches and us. The children - Natalie, Chelesa, Rachel, Katherine, and Nathan (the older ones sometimes were around - Chris, Cole and Olivia.). We would eat and play and then lay down int he driveway while fireworks were shot. It was a good time. 

Always remember what my daddy taught me:

LOVE# 1 - God, 2 - Country - 3 - Family 

Who do I resemble?

 Who do I resemble? No strong resemblance to anyone. I see bits and pieces of parents - aunts - uncles - grandparents. 

Hair color (before I started coloring it! LOL

Eye color

Eyebrows.

I think the Hurley genes are stronger in me than Richardson. 

Funny how when we look at our children, grandchildren we want to say - Oh they look like _______!

When, in reality I think we see the resemblance of who we want to see.

AND, we should be praying for the child (& ourselves) to resemble Jesus, not the hair - eyes etc, but the heart, the behavior. Become CONFORMED. Sometimes, I feel more de-formed!

9 characteristics - how hard should that be!!

Love - Joy - Peace - Patience - Kindness - Goodness - Faithfulness - Gentleness - Self-Control

I seem to get stuck on the “Big 4” Love Joy Peace Patience. But this week I have been increasingly convicted to be kind, gentle and to have self-control. None of these are easy for me. I often like to ignore some ugly truths about myself and skip over these. Saying, oh - I am kind and good and I certainly don’t think about gentle and heaven forbid - SELF CONTROL!!!

I wonder why Paul wrote that one last? 

I know now in total “old age” retrospect - Self-control may be the key for me! And Love - these two bookend the rest. Without LOVE and SELF CONTROL how can I have 

Joy? Peace? Patience? Kindness? Goodness? Faithfulness? Gentleness?

For me, the only way to have any is to have Jesus. And it is so much more than “I am a Christian”. I must be a true follower of MY Teacher. And as HIS student, I must study and question. Learn and grown each and everyday so perhaps i will have some resemblance of HIM in ME. 

1 week in new world

This is worse than when I started in diabetes.  

Basically left to my own devices to figure out what I am doing.  I feel certain I will hear much more on Monday in the "Unit" meeting.  

Lots of defeated attitudes.  

I am in a fishbowl-can't leave the basement without asking/telling.  

Rita leaving, not being replaced. That was hope.

Jennifer in charge of everyone...can she handle it? can she cope with it?  I don't think so.

All the stories of people we could have helped this past week.  It makes me so sad.  

Lord, all in your hands.  I trust you.  Talk loud and clear to me. 

Psalm 23:4 and other wise words

Wise words from Jill Hisack of pastoral care.  Pray with hands open and up. Up and open - give Him what is on my mind.  Give Him my praise, my pain, my requests.  But - leave my hands open to receive what He places in my hands.  Everything in my life is filtered through Him.  I need to trust that what is placed in my hands is for my good.  Trust....
Isaiah 64:8 - I am the clay.  I have the decision to make - a Christian can be hard clay or soft clay.  If I choose to be hard clay He has no opportunity to mold me.  If I am soft clay, He can work with me and make me the woman He designed me to be.  When He knit me in my mother's wound-He had plans for me and my life.  (For I know the thoughts and plans I have for you...)  But if I am not soft clay - trusting clay He can't mold me into the person He planned.

Psalm 23:4 - Jennifer Rothschild -
My amplified version: 
Yea though I am going on foot through a low area, where there is a dark area of ominous oppressiveness, sadness, and gloom causing unpleasant emotions - and I am full of the belief that there is something dangerous -something profoundly wicked - I WILL BE OK.

My personal prayer of comfort -
You Lord do as you want - you have all power and authority.  I Trust YOU! I will not despise your discipline.  Teach me your law because you love me.  Lord, fight for me.  I will be still! Fight for me - give me victory.  Lord you are good, you are my refuge, you care for me in my time of trouble! If you are for me, who can be against me? I WILL TRUST YOU.

Notes from video
3 Valleys we go through
1.  Valley of Baca - weeping, grief, & sadness - Psalm 84:5-6.  This grief can zap your strength - zap you physically & emotionally. 
Admit weakness - life hurts and don't try and deny it.  We are just passing through this valley - it is a pilgrimage.  Being honest about hurts leads to intimacy with the Shepherd

2.  Valley of Elah - battle - 1 Samuel 17
When we are in the valley of battle, can forget who the enemy is - Remember - battles belong to the Lord. 
Risks in this battle: 
1 Sam. 17:16 - taunting - (Israelites taunted 40 days - I have been in this for 46 days)
1 Sam. 17:28 - we can attack each other - be mean and ugly (moments with Christy)

1 Sam. 17:47 - The reality is the battle is the Lord's

STAND STILL in this battle - Let the Lord battle for you - Exodus 14:14 - Psalm 46:10

3. Valley of Achor - deep trouble and can be during shame.  Joshua 7
Look for the door of hope to change everything.  Focus prayer - Hosea 2:15, Isaiah 65:10 - A place of rest -

And always remember...a shadow can not hurt me - where there is a shadow - there must be light.

another sad day

Yesterday wasn't much better.  The physical part of cleaning out.  Meeting with Delon, Christy, and Jenny.  Jamie and Kathy know.

Chat with Irish Patrick-Williams...could there be something at Hinds?

Teaching diabetes to support staff, new hires, and my last Living Well with Diabetes class.  Thank you, Lord for giving me 3 people that want to learn and know.  However, that just added to my sadness for the people that will miss out on good education.  I wasn't prepared when they asked me about the support group.  It was probably wrong of me to speak the truth.  But, I just could not say - it is over.  I did try to gloss around it...

Patients, teaching, all stripped away for a while.  Lord, I continue to trust you and that you really do have something better for me.  Those 3 hours flew by last night - I was going to rush right through it - I was going to give them a break - and no one cared!!!

I want my light to shine wherever I am.  I am trusting you, Jesus.  You are my Shepherd.

The valley continues

God, you are so good.  You started preparing my heart for this journey weeks ago when I started studying Psalm 23.  You knew everything I would need.  You stayed by my side.  It was me that had to learn to trust you.

Voices - all the voices, all the "gossip", all the rumors.  I said things that were misinterpreted.  Frustration, confusion, and hurt will make you say things that can come out wrong.  I never said "I won't" but I did say I don't want to, I might not want to. This isn't what I applied to do.

Monday morning, I made Christy mad - I know it, but I was ready for them to tell Jenny and let us get on with the business of ending the Diabetes Program as we know it.  Monday afternoon - still nothing about what my next position will entail.  I see on FB that new director - Rita is in Mexico.  I text Sandy - she tells me I am starting on Monday.  I ask Christy.  Phone calls - tears - not understanding anything.  Another sleepless night.

Tuesday morning, run into Aimee - she makes me promise to talk to Jill in pastoral care.  I have already made the decision to email Jennifer for a meeting.  (Oh, and Christy offered to meet with me on Monday evening....I AM AN ADULT and can handle things much better without her)
Christy comes to my office furious - hostile - all because of my email about stupid meters.  With her, it is so difficult to know what to do if I had answered it without her OK - I would have been wrong...so I asked, but my "tone" was wrong.  I think I am glad to be leaving her.  Her ups and downs are beginning to be a little much.
Jill - thank you, Jesus, for this precious woman of God.  I do want to be soft clay so you can mold me into the woman you have planned for me to be.  I want to pray with hands up - to give my worries to you, but to also accept what you place into my hands.  More tears, but I left with a renewed spirit.
Visit with Wilma - very touched that she would be willing to find me PRN work - and did not want me to leave St. D.
Lunch with Sandy -
Meeting with Jennifer - I am open - honest - transparent.  I laid it all on the table (or desk if you will).  Explained how I felt - how raw I was about the entire thing.  My concern for the health and education of our patients.  It was a very good meeting.  Have my new job duties and a new desk.  No office for me anymore - just a partitioned off area. I don't have to be an office.

I am still in the valley and it will take some time for me to transition to my new role.  I have concerns but will take them one day at a time.  I know my Lord is with me.  I know He is the light, the guide, my salvation, He has hold of my right hand and will lead me to the green pastures and still waters.  He is my Good Shepherd.