November 18, 2017

No special date - just what is running through my mind this morning.

Why are the lyrics to Wichita Lineman running through my mind? I need you more than want you....And I want you for all time.  Perhaps that is how I feel about my marriage.  I need him, but as far as wanting in a sexual way - that doesn’t matter so much to me anymore.  The physical touch of handholding and hugging and a slow dance warms my heart so much more....I need to understand and be continually aware of his needs even if I don’t understand. 

Tired of emptying the dishwasher, planning meals, cooking meals, cleaning up the kitchen, filling water, hanging and folding clothes.  This wasn’t quite the plan.   But this is my life and I will accept it.  I am really so blessed.  I really have nothing to complain about. 

The absence of large family gatherings for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Sometimes that makes me so sad. Why do things have to change? And, I confess to liking change.  But the change in family dynamics is not part of change that I like.  Could be part of why I don’t want to decorate etc.  Some of that comes from having to do it all myself.  I miss having all that “stress” folks complain about during the holidays.  

Oh - I also do not like being in charge of the finances.  I hate paying all the bills.

My son...I really don’t know what to say.  He is so like me in procrastination. I am so sad about that. I had hoped he really had things more together.  He makes me sad that he doesn’t want to call - he seems superficial in his conversations with us....I have almost begun to hate the drums.  He is obsessed and I am not sure in the right way.  

I feel so disconnected from my grandchildren right now.  It is not fun for them here right now.  I miss them and want to spend time with them.  I don’t know what to do - 

Church - I NEED CHURCH FRIENDS.  I don’t know how to handle all this.  God, you and you alone give me the strength to manage.  I am not happy in a silo of worship.  

What a whiner I am.  

I have so much to be thankful for.  

I just need to get this mess off my chest.

I love you, Lord.  Your steadfast LOVE endures forever. 

You are really all I need.  

No one compares to you. 

Tuesday, November 7

I feel like everything hinges around Tuesday.  Keven and his back pain.  Lord, is surgery the answer? Will it be offered? Will it work? Will it return him to normal activities? Or will it make things worse? And Lord, if surgery is not the answer, then what? I trust you in all things Lord.  I know you are in control. I know all things work according to Your purposes. I know you have a plan.  I trust in You and try not to lean on my own understanding.  But Lord, I am sad and weary.  Help me to continue to be strong, have patience and understanding.  I know that this is a season, and let me learn from this season. Lord, I will bless you at all times, let your praise always be on my lips.

How Did This Happen????

65 years young?? Or 65 years old?? When you say your age you say years old, but in my head most of the time it is years young. But as I look at the timeline of life, I am in the last years of my life.  I choose not to ponder on this often, but lately I have considered it more.

I have lived over half my life.

I have hereby out lived both my dad and brother.  Thank you Jesus! Twenty three more years to live beyond my mothers life.  

What will I do in these last years?  Finish a career in nursing.  Be a loving wife, mother, & grandmother. But Lord, what more would you have me do?  That has been a question for me lately?  What now Lord? Where Lord?  

Resolutions for the new year. 

1.  Find that Church home --- Life Group and all!

2.  Be kinder than necessary,

3.  Improve my general health.

And that is enough.  Yes, there is more for this year - prepare and sell this house and move somewhere really should be listed.  But really, numbers 2 and 3 cover so much.  Be a kind person and take care of myself.  

Harvey and Houston

For the past several days the city of Houston has experienced more rain than recorded in the history of the USA.  I have read reports of greater than 50 inches.  This rain made its way into homes, churches, hospitals, and everywhere else it could.  This is a disaster, unlike anything I have ever seen in my lifetime or heard of. 

And while this has been occurring people are wanting to take down monuments that represent the history of the USA. Because the represent slavery.  

My heart.  Sad. Angry. Depressed. Weary. Confused. 

Lord, I trust in you. Lord, you are the healer. Lord, you are the provider. 

Frustration

Keven and I have spent almost a year wandering.  Life has never been the same since we left Pinelake some 7 years ago.  No community, no real church home. We spent some time at Crossgates but never really felt at home.  Then, we went to Fondren Church where our dear Robert Green was starting a new church.  We like Robert, we liked Fondren and we settled.  We found a small group.  It only lasted for a little while.  Then, I not really totally sure why we started the wandering.  Mostly attending Broadmoor with Olivia and family.  Never really felt at home there.  Even visited my Methodist roots.  I enjoyed some of the formalities of the worship.  But we just can't go back to that type of worship. So back to Fondren we went, with high hope of finding a small group.  It was Community time to form new groups. So we went.  There wasn't a group for us. Am I too old?  Do I need to suck it up and go back to Broadmoor where there is Sunday School.  I NEED COMMUNITY.  I NEED A BODY OF BELIEVERS outside sitting in corporate worship.  

I am asking God to show me what to do.  I am asking God to open my mind and heart for his direction.  There is a plan for me.  I am tired of being in the Desert.  

If I were a writer - 

Saturday, girls day! Off to get mani's and pedi's with my girls.  I took off my "worry" ring.  Keven bought it for me on our little 40th anniversary trip to Arkansas. We found it in this unique shop in Eureka Springs.  I think he paid all of $20 for it.  But it was different and fun, and just what I needed.  Something to fidget with on my hand, that wasn't distracting - at MC.  I have received so many compliments on this funny little ring.  I loved it.  I rolled the beads in meetings, when stressed, to keep my mouth shut...for so many reasons. 

But I took it off Saturday morning, put it in a pocket in my purse while I had my mani.  And now, I can't find it anywhere.  It could be buried in my car, it could be at Barnes & Noble, Another Broken Egg, Charming Charlie's, Chico's, Target - all the places I went with the girls.  

Yesterday, I was devastated about the loss of that silly ring.  Keven doesn't buy me jewelry.  He only bought that because I liked it and it was different and we were together and it was our anniversary trip. I was so sad and still am. 

This morning, God reminded me that he has my worries.  And that He provided a new job for me, while nothing is perfect, it is so much better for me than where I was.  You see yesterday my friend from MC called me, the one that is taking my place as Semester 1 Coordinator....what a mess....God said:  "See Lynn, I took that all from you, you asked me to show which way to go and I did and you followed."  

I don't need the worry ring for the purpose of fidgeting with worry.  I am sad that I lost it, there was only sentimental value.  But. I am so thankful that God heard me and showed me which way to go.

Memory verse for August 1: 

Commit your work to the Lord and your plans will be established.  Proverbs 16:3

Sent from my iPad

July 30, 2017 - 0641 - temp 68

Did I read that temp right? Is it really 68 degrees in July?  Am I really sitting out on the patio?

Thank you Thank you, Lord!! You know how much I love to have my quiet time outside.  

Yesterday - Girls day.  Pedi's with my girls (except Lauren).  We had a morning of pampering and then lunch and some shopping.  Thankful they want to spend time with me.  Bentleigh asked to stay the night.  I think she just wanted uninterrupted time with her iPad.  I get it - and it is ok.  She got scared and asked to get in the bed with us.  Thankful for a King size bed. All 4 of us slept together - me in the middle, Maddie snuggled up to Bentleigh.  She will forever have my heart.  Lord, keep her strong.  Keep her focused. Give her wisdom and discernment beyond her years.  Let her remain strong against peer pressure and be kind to everyone.

Last week I read about Solitude.  I hand wrote in my Journal: Without reading the chapter, I get it. 

I crave Solitude.  I LOVE my quiet time in the morning before Keven gets up.  I love it, even more, when I can sit outside, listen to the birds' singing.  Here my mind is free to roam.  Free to listen.  Free to think.  Free to learn.  God, you have shown me so very much in those early mornings of Solitude.  

Goals - Foster spoke in the book about setting goals.  

1.  Well, this time I am really learning the memory verses as promised.  And, Lord I really hope Soni and I really are going to Houston for the celebration.

2.  CHURCH.  Keven and I must find a church home, settle in and settle down. Get involved.  I sincerely pray for your guidance and direction.

3.  This house.  Love parts, don't love parts.  Help us to get motivated to put it on the market and find our next home.  Yes, it scares me.  But it scares me even more to keep this large home and yard.

4.  Work.  I so love my new job.  Somedays I actually find it hard to leave.  I so want everything finished when I walk out the door.  I know that is often impossible.  Continue to guide me in each and every step you would have me take.  The mission of loving others must always be first.  Thank you, Lord, for Christy, Jenny, Kathy, Monica, Delon and all the others that are making me feel such a part of MHVI and St. Dominic.  

Three weeks in

Three weeks into the new job.  My head is spinning.  So much to learn.  So behind.  So much to learn.  So much to do.

Coworkers - thank you, Lord, for blessing me with Christy and Jenny.  Christy a motivated Christian Director.  She has vision and dreams of healing.  She is smart and motivated.  She loves the Lord.  Jenny, she is bright and cares about the patient.  She loves the Lord and wants to equip me with all she can regarding Diabetes.

Diabetes, "it is a big disease".  Diabetes, patient controlled, doctor assisted.  Diabetes, a silent killer.  Diabetes, so much more to learn.  

Lord, I don't know what is next for this program.  I know I am to keep accreditation, continue to educate patient and staff.  But, I already see there is more to do.

I am asking today for help.  Help to learn to disease and how to best teach and motivate the patients. I am asking for vision, how to renew the support group.  I am asking for vision regarding a prevention program.  I know Lord - it is only three weeks in.  

But, Lord, I see the needs.  Open my eyes to see the way in which to go.

Closing a door

Yesterday I sat in my last progression meeting.  I did my last secret pal gift swap.   I turned in grades for the last time.  I emptied an office.  I will turn in my keys Friday, after my last pinning.

Bittersweet.  I genuinely care for my co-workers.  I really like most of them a lot, some not so much. But I care for them.  I will miss them.  Students-I like most of them too.  I care for them all too.

Change.  I like change, always have.  See things different.  I can do that also.  But, when the change and the different take away tradition and divide and causes hostilities....is change healthy?

Only the Lord knows if Kimberly Sharps's heart is as good as she makes it sound.  Only the Lord knows if she is the right fit.  I know that the Lord blessed me with a way out - a new position.

I know my new job will bring many challenges and I will have much to learn, but I know that I am capable and smart.  I know that I can learn.  I know that I am scared of failing.  I know that I am walking in God's will for my life.  I know that I can do all things through Christ.  I know I did the right thing.

I know it is hard to say goodbye.  I closed one door and am opening a new door.