Wise words from Jill Hisack of pastoral care. Pray with hands open and up. Up and open - give Him what is on my mind. Give Him my praise, my pain, my requests. But - leave my hands open to receive what He places in my hands. Everything in my life is filtered through Him. I need to trust that what is placed in my hands is for my good. Trust....
Isaiah 64:8 - I am the clay. I have the decision to make - a Christian can be hard clay or soft clay. If I choose to be hard clay He has no opportunity to mold me. If I am soft clay, He can work with me and make me the woman He designed me to be. When He knit me in my mother's wound-He had plans for me and my life. (For I know the thoughts and plans I have for you...) But if I am not soft clay - trusting clay He can't mold me into the person He planned.
Psalm 23:4 - Jennifer Rothschild -
My amplified version:
Yea though I am going on foot through a low area, where there is a dark area of ominous oppressiveness, sadness, and gloom causing unpleasant emotions - and I am full of the belief that there is something dangerous -something profoundly wicked - I WILL BE OK.
My personal prayer of comfort -
You Lord do as you want - you have all power and authority. I Trust YOU! I will not despise your discipline. Teach me your law because you love me. Lord, fight for me. I will be still! Fight for me - give me victory. Lord you are good, you are my refuge, you care for me in my time of trouble! If you are for me, who can be against me? I WILL TRUST YOU.
Notes from video
3 Valleys we go through
1. Valley of Baca - weeping, grief, & sadness - Psalm 84:5-6. This grief can zap your strength - zap you physically & emotionally.
Admit weakness - life hurts and don't try and deny it. We are just passing through this valley - it is a pilgrimage. Being honest about hurts leads to intimacy with the Shepherd
2. Valley of Elah - battle - 1 Samuel 17
When we are in the valley of battle, can forget who the enemy is - Remember - battles belong to the Lord.
Risks in this battle:
1 Sam. 17:16 - taunting - (Israelites taunted 40 days - I have been in this for 46 days)
1 Sam. 17:28 - we can attack each other - be mean and ugly (moments with Christy)
1 Sam. 17:47 - The reality is the battle is the Lord's
STAND STILL in this battle - Let the Lord battle for you - Exodus 14:14 - Psalm 46:10
3. Valley of Achor - deep trouble and can be during shame. Joshua 7
Look for the door of hope to change everything. Focus prayer - Hosea 2:15, Isaiah 65:10 - A place of rest -
And always remember...a shadow can not hurt me - where there is a shadow - there must be light.
Sunday, September 29, 2019
Thursday, September 26, 2019
another sad day
Yesterday wasn't much better. The physical part of cleaning out. Meeting with Delon, Christy, and Jenny. Jamie and Kathy know.
Chat with Irish Patrick-Williams...could there be something at Hinds?
Teaching diabetes to support staff, new hires, and my last Living Well with Diabetes class. Thank you, Lord for giving me 3 people that want to learn and know. However, that just added to my sadness for the people that will miss out on good education. I wasn't prepared when they asked me about the support group. It was probably wrong of me to speak the truth. But, I just could not say - it is over. I did try to gloss around it...
Patients, teaching, all stripped away for a while. Lord, I continue to trust you and that you really do have something better for me. Those 3 hours flew by last night - I was going to rush right through it - I was going to give them a break - and no one cared!!!
I want my light to shine wherever I am. I am trusting you, Jesus. You are my Shepherd.
Chat with Irish Patrick-Williams...could there be something at Hinds?
Teaching diabetes to support staff, new hires, and my last Living Well with Diabetes class. Thank you, Lord for giving me 3 people that want to learn and know. However, that just added to my sadness for the people that will miss out on good education. I wasn't prepared when they asked me about the support group. It was probably wrong of me to speak the truth. But, I just could not say - it is over. I did try to gloss around it...
Patients, teaching, all stripped away for a while. Lord, I continue to trust you and that you really do have something better for me. Those 3 hours flew by last night - I was going to rush right through it - I was going to give them a break - and no one cared!!!
I want my light to shine wherever I am. I am trusting you, Jesus. You are my Shepherd.
Wednesday, September 25, 2019
The valley continues
God, you are so good. You started preparing my heart for this journey weeks ago when I started studying Psalm 23. You knew everything I would need. You stayed by my side. It was me that had to learn to trust you.
Voices - all the voices, all the "gossip", all the rumors. I said things that were misinterpreted. Frustration, confusion, and hurt will make you say things that can come out wrong. I never said "I won't" but I did say I don't want to, I might not want to. This isn't what I applied to do.
Monday morning, I made Christy mad - I know it, but I was ready for them to tell Jenny and let us get on with the business of ending the Diabetes Program as we know it. Monday afternoon - still nothing about what my next position will entail. I see on FB that new director - Rita is in Mexico. I text Sandy - she tells me I am starting on Monday. I ask Christy. Phone calls - tears - not understanding anything. Another sleepless night.
Tuesday morning, run into Aimee - she makes me promise to talk to Jill in pastoral care. I have already made the decision to email Jennifer for a meeting. (Oh, and Christy offered to meet with me on Monday evening....I AM AN ADULT and can handle things much better without her)
Christy comes to my office furious - hostile - all because of my email about stupid meters. With her, it is so difficult to know what to do if I had answered it without her OK - I would have been wrong...so I asked, but my "tone" was wrong. I think I am glad to be leaving her. Her ups and downs are beginning to be a little much.
Jill - thank you, Jesus, for this precious woman of God. I do want to be soft clay so you can mold me into the woman you have planned for me to be. I want to pray with hands up - to give my worries to you, but to also accept what you place into my hands. More tears, but I left with a renewed spirit.
Visit with Wilma - very touched that she would be willing to find me PRN work - and did not want me to leave St. D.
Lunch with Sandy -
Meeting with Jennifer - I am open - honest - transparent. I laid it all on the table (or desk if you will). Explained how I felt - how raw I was about the entire thing. My concern for the health and education of our patients. It was a very good meeting. Have my new job duties and a new desk. No office for me anymore - just a partitioned off area. I don't have to be an office.
I am still in the valley and it will take some time for me to transition to my new role. I have concerns but will take them one day at a time. I know my Lord is with me. I know He is the light, the guide, my salvation, He has hold of my right hand and will lead me to the green pastures and still waters. He is my Good Shepherd.
Voices - all the voices, all the "gossip", all the rumors. I said things that were misinterpreted. Frustration, confusion, and hurt will make you say things that can come out wrong. I never said "I won't" but I did say I don't want to, I might not want to. This isn't what I applied to do.
Monday morning, I made Christy mad - I know it, but I was ready for them to tell Jenny and let us get on with the business of ending the Diabetes Program as we know it. Monday afternoon - still nothing about what my next position will entail. I see on FB that new director - Rita is in Mexico. I text Sandy - she tells me I am starting on Monday. I ask Christy. Phone calls - tears - not understanding anything. Another sleepless night.
Tuesday morning, run into Aimee - she makes me promise to talk to Jill in pastoral care. I have already made the decision to email Jennifer for a meeting. (Oh, and Christy offered to meet with me on Monday evening....I AM AN ADULT and can handle things much better without her)
Christy comes to my office furious - hostile - all because of my email about stupid meters. With her, it is so difficult to know what to do if I had answered it without her OK - I would have been wrong...so I asked, but my "tone" was wrong. I think I am glad to be leaving her. Her ups and downs are beginning to be a little much.
Jill - thank you, Jesus, for this precious woman of God. I do want to be soft clay so you can mold me into the woman you have planned for me to be. I want to pray with hands up - to give my worries to you, but to also accept what you place into my hands. More tears, but I left with a renewed spirit.
Visit with Wilma - very touched that she would be willing to find me PRN work - and did not want me to leave St. D.
Lunch with Sandy -
Meeting with Jennifer - I am open - honest - transparent. I laid it all on the table (or desk if you will). Explained how I felt - how raw I was about the entire thing. My concern for the health and education of our patients. It was a very good meeting. Have my new job duties and a new desk. No office for me anymore - just a partitioned off area. I don't have to be an office.
I am still in the valley and it will take some time for me to transition to my new role. I have concerns but will take them one day at a time. I know my Lord is with me. I know He is the light, the guide, my salvation, He has hold of my right hand and will lead me to the green pastures and still waters. He is my Good Shepherd.
Friday, September 20, 2019
Life is hard - trust God
9/18/19, after 3 pm. I was told my job was over. No more diabetes coordinator, not because of anything I had done, the administration made the decision that the need for in-patient and out-patient diabetes education was not necessary.
But don't worry, we are transferring you to Organization Development and Training. No, we don't know what you will be doing, but you have a job. Give it a try they say.
Spend the night in tears. What about the patients? What about the added burden for nurses? What about what I want to do?
9/19/19 Happy Birthday to me. Do not want to talk to anyone. Have to go to work. Do not attend shared governance. Had to go talk to the new members of the Medical Staff. I felt so stupid sitting there by Dr. McVey - He knew - I knew that I was lying. We will not be doing a thing I said.
Had to much wine for dinner. Asleep early. Up in the middle of the night. Finally, had a text message from my son...I didn't forget you - my phone is about to die.
More tears-Trust Jesus - I keep saying it over and over. I believe Lord that you are in control of my life - but right now I feel like it is spiraling out of control I want to work. But at what I applied to do 3 years ago. I have asked this frequently - Did I misunderstand Lord? Do I get out from under your will for my life? Is that why I am in this mess today? Or did you send me on this path to teach me? What am I not learning? I am tired, Lord. Oh so tired.
But don't worry, we are transferring you to Organization Development and Training. No, we don't know what you will be doing, but you have a job. Give it a try they say.
Spend the night in tears. What about the patients? What about the added burden for nurses? What about what I want to do?
9/19/19 Happy Birthday to me. Do not want to talk to anyone. Have to go to work. Do not attend shared governance. Had to go talk to the new members of the Medical Staff. I felt so stupid sitting there by Dr. McVey - He knew - I knew that I was lying. We will not be doing a thing I said.
Had to much wine for dinner. Asleep early. Up in the middle of the night. Finally, had a text message from my son...I didn't forget you - my phone is about to die.
More tears-Trust Jesus - I keep saying it over and over. I believe Lord that you are in control of my life - but right now I feel like it is spiraling out of control I want to work. But at what I applied to do 3 years ago. I have asked this frequently - Did I misunderstand Lord? Do I get out from under your will for my life? Is that why I am in this mess today? Or did you send me on this path to teach me? What am I not learning? I am tired, Lord. Oh so tired.
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