1 week in new world

This is worse than when I started in diabetes.  

Basically left to my own devices to figure out what I am doing.  I feel certain I will hear much more on Monday in the "Unit" meeting.  

Lots of defeated attitudes.  

I am in a fishbowl-can't leave the basement without asking/telling.  

Rita leaving, not being replaced. That was hope.

Jennifer in charge of everyone...can she handle it? can she cope with it?  I don't think so.

All the stories of people we could have helped this past week.  It makes me so sad.  

Lord, all in your hands.  I trust you.  Talk loud and clear to me. 

Psalm 23:4 and other wise words

Wise words from Jill Hisack of pastoral care.  Pray with hands open and up. Up and open - give Him what is on my mind.  Give Him my praise, my pain, my requests.  But - leave my hands open to receive what He places in my hands.  Everything in my life is filtered through Him.  I need to trust that what is placed in my hands is for my good.  Trust....
Isaiah 64:8 - I am the clay.  I have the decision to make - a Christian can be hard clay or soft clay.  If I choose to be hard clay He has no opportunity to mold me.  If I am soft clay, He can work with me and make me the woman He designed me to be.  When He knit me in my mother's wound-He had plans for me and my life.  (For I know the thoughts and plans I have for you...)  But if I am not soft clay - trusting clay He can't mold me into the person He planned.

Psalm 23:4 - Jennifer Rothschild -
My amplified version: 
Yea though I am going on foot through a low area, where there is a dark area of ominous oppressiveness, sadness, and gloom causing unpleasant emotions - and I am full of the belief that there is something dangerous -something profoundly wicked - I WILL BE OK.

My personal prayer of comfort -
You Lord do as you want - you have all power and authority.  I Trust YOU! I will not despise your discipline.  Teach me your law because you love me.  Lord, fight for me.  I will be still! Fight for me - give me victory.  Lord you are good, you are my refuge, you care for me in my time of trouble! If you are for me, who can be against me? I WILL TRUST YOU.

Notes from video
3 Valleys we go through
1.  Valley of Baca - weeping, grief, & sadness - Psalm 84:5-6.  This grief can zap your strength - zap you physically & emotionally. 
Admit weakness - life hurts and don't try and deny it.  We are just passing through this valley - it is a pilgrimage.  Being honest about hurts leads to intimacy with the Shepherd

2.  Valley of Elah - battle - 1 Samuel 17
When we are in the valley of battle, can forget who the enemy is - Remember - battles belong to the Lord. 
Risks in this battle: 
1 Sam. 17:16 - taunting - (Israelites taunted 40 days - I have been in this for 46 days)
1 Sam. 17:28 - we can attack each other - be mean and ugly (moments with Christy)

1 Sam. 17:47 - The reality is the battle is the Lord's

STAND STILL in this battle - Let the Lord battle for you - Exodus 14:14 - Psalm 46:10

3. Valley of Achor - deep trouble and can be during shame.  Joshua 7
Look for the door of hope to change everything.  Focus prayer - Hosea 2:15, Isaiah 65:10 - A place of rest -

And always remember...a shadow can not hurt me - where there is a shadow - there must be light.

another sad day

Yesterday wasn't much better.  The physical part of cleaning out.  Meeting with Delon, Christy, and Jenny.  Jamie and Kathy know.

Chat with Irish Patrick-Williams...could there be something at Hinds?

Teaching diabetes to support staff, new hires, and my last Living Well with Diabetes class.  Thank you, Lord for giving me 3 people that want to learn and know.  However, that just added to my sadness for the people that will miss out on good education.  I wasn't prepared when they asked me about the support group.  It was probably wrong of me to speak the truth.  But, I just could not say - it is over.  I did try to gloss around it...

Patients, teaching, all stripped away for a while.  Lord, I continue to trust you and that you really do have something better for me.  Those 3 hours flew by last night - I was going to rush right through it - I was going to give them a break - and no one cared!!!

I want my light to shine wherever I am.  I am trusting you, Jesus.  You are my Shepherd.

The valley continues

God, you are so good.  You started preparing my heart for this journey weeks ago when I started studying Psalm 23.  You knew everything I would need.  You stayed by my side.  It was me that had to learn to trust you.

Voices - all the voices, all the "gossip", all the rumors.  I said things that were misinterpreted.  Frustration, confusion, and hurt will make you say things that can come out wrong.  I never said "I won't" but I did say I don't want to, I might not want to. This isn't what I applied to do.

Monday morning, I made Christy mad - I know it, but I was ready for them to tell Jenny and let us get on with the business of ending the Diabetes Program as we know it.  Monday afternoon - still nothing about what my next position will entail.  I see on FB that new director - Rita is in Mexico.  I text Sandy - she tells me I am starting on Monday.  I ask Christy.  Phone calls - tears - not understanding anything.  Another sleepless night.

Tuesday morning, run into Aimee - she makes me promise to talk to Jill in pastoral care.  I have already made the decision to email Jennifer for a meeting.  (Oh, and Christy offered to meet with me on Monday evening....I AM AN ADULT and can handle things much better without her)
Christy comes to my office furious - hostile - all because of my email about stupid meters.  With her, it is so difficult to know what to do if I had answered it without her OK - I would have been wrong...so I asked, but my "tone" was wrong.  I think I am glad to be leaving her.  Her ups and downs are beginning to be a little much.
Jill - thank you, Jesus, for this precious woman of God.  I do want to be soft clay so you can mold me into the woman you have planned for me to be.  I want to pray with hands up - to give my worries to you, but to also accept what you place into my hands.  More tears, but I left with a renewed spirit.
Visit with Wilma - very touched that she would be willing to find me PRN work - and did not want me to leave St. D.
Lunch with Sandy -
Meeting with Jennifer - I am open - honest - transparent.  I laid it all on the table (or desk if you will).  Explained how I felt - how raw I was about the entire thing.  My concern for the health and education of our patients.  It was a very good meeting.  Have my new job duties and a new desk.  No office for me anymore - just a partitioned off area. I don't have to be an office.

I am still in the valley and it will take some time for me to transition to my new role.  I have concerns but will take them one day at a time.  I know my Lord is with me.  I know He is the light, the guide, my salvation, He has hold of my right hand and will lead me to the green pastures and still waters.  He is my Good Shepherd.

Life is hard - trust God

9/18/19, after 3 pm.  I was told my job was over.  No more diabetes coordinator, not because of anything I had done, the administration made the decision that the need for in-patient and out-patient diabetes education was not necessary.  

But don't worry, we are transferring you to Organization Development and Training.  No, we don't know what you will be doing, but you have a job.  Give it a try they say.  

Spend the night in tears.  What about the patients?  What about the added burden for nurses? What about what I want to do?

9/19/19 Happy Birthday to me.  Do not want to talk to anyone.  Have to go to work.  Do not attend shared governance.  Had to go talk to the new members of the Medical Staff.  I felt so stupid sitting there by Dr. McVey - He knew - I knew that I was lying.  We will not be doing a thing I said.  

Had to much wine for dinner.  Asleep early.  Up in the middle of the night.  Finally, had a text message from my son...I didn't forget you - my phone is about to die.  

More tears-Trust Jesus - I keep saying it over and over.  I believe Lord that you are in control of my life - but right now I feel like it is spiraling out of control  I want to work.  But at what I applied to do 3 years ago.  I have asked this frequently - Did I misunderstand Lord?  Do I get out from under your will for my life?  Is that why I am in this mess today?  Or did you send me on this path to teach me?  What am I not learning?  I am tired, Lord. Oh so tired.  

3 weeks post op

Who really realizes how valuable your dominate hand really is?  When you have limited use the impact is real!!

It is improving.  Still cramps - still have some shooting pain. 

Oh, how I want to be able to write with a pen comfortably.

Phone interview with Western Governors University (WGU) during lunch today. 
Harder for me to type out my pros and cons. 
Will have to do that tonight.

Soni - Cancer S&*$^.  Yes, it is bad. 

But, what about the 24 year old with Type 1 DM, Autism, Mental health issues.  Etc...What about his parents?  What were the hopes and dreams? 

Dwarfs-
CF-
So so many diseases.

Lord you are in control and I thank you for my health.

thoughts, questions, life

Recuperating from my hand surgery...left fand typing because of the cramp/pain just experienced in my right.

So many thoughts this morning.

Life is not turning out as I expected.  

• I changed jobs and do not like much of anything about what I do now. 
• Keven is not the same.  Chronic pain.
• No role in the church, my own fault.

Pain -  when someone has cancer knowledge of the pain and recognition and treatment is understood.  Yet when someone suffers from chronic back pain there is no understanding, no real answers.  Keven is in so much pain.  So hard for me, a stoic to understand.  It is like he has reflector vision and can only see himself.  He rarely smiles.  No laughter.  I do not know what to do, what to say.

Yesterday I wanted to go out for lunch, yes it was Saturday and it was 12 o'clock and we were in Madison.  He was cranky and offered to pick up Chick fil la. We probably spent 20 minutes in line, when we could have enjoyed a nice sit-down lunch.  All because he did not want to wait.

Reading Proverbs this morning.  

Wisdom - 

Fear the Lord.  Those that do will live in safety and be at ease.

Cry out for understanding.  Search for it.  He guards the course and protects the way.

Keep His commands in your heart.  They will bring peace and prosperity.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart.  Don't lean on yourself.

Fear the Lord.

Get wisdom.

Give careful thought to the paths of your feet and be steadfast in all your ways.  Proverbs 4:26.

Typing is hard.... 

Thoughts on pain-cancer-life

I am sad because last week I wrote about things in life and somehow I did not save it.
Maybe it wasn't meant to be saved.

Yesterday I visited with my friend Aimee Burrow.  She has cancer.  She has been clear for three years now.  But she must have chemo once a week to live.  So far the drug is working for her.  However, it affects her heart.  She saw the cardiologist this week and her ejection fraction is down 5% and there is some thickening of one of her ventricles.  The thickening will never change.  This is the first time there has been a negative result.

She was hesitant to open up-I probed with some questions.  I could tell she wanted to share something but at the same time, she never wants to appear down.  Finally she said-when they told me about my cancer and it was such as poor prognosis and I thought I was going to die, I went through all the stages of grief and sadness-Sad because I wouldn't see my boys get married (they didn't have girlfriends at that time-one was in HS).  Sad and afraid.  But she said she made the decision to fight and keep working and live her daily life just as she had done for years.  And - the drugs worked!! And she has been cancer free for 3 years.  And - her boys both have women in their lives that she thinks may be "the one".  Then the heart visit-the news that the chemo is affecting her heart.  The drug that has kept her alive is now hurting the organ that gives life.  So, once again she is battling those internal feelings....Grief, sadness.  Uncertainty in life.  Physically she feels great! It is just those stupid "What ifs?" that are attacking her.  

Then she talked about Jesus.  How Jesus stayed calm and knew he would die, he just continued to follow the plan for his life. How Jesus prayed.  How Jesus followed the will of His Father. And so she wants to be calm, pray, follow God's will.  Find joy in everything.  She said she will return to counseling.  That it helped her process everything.  

Lord, your plans are always good and right.  Help us all to remember that you are in control.

Keep my eyes and ears and heart open to what you want me to see, say and do.